I am in recovery from Drug Addiction.
Overdosed one time on Fentanyl.
I suffer constant pain.

At the best of times, confronting Death is not easy.
In the past 3 months, I encountered Death 7 times:

4 celebrations of life
1 dog, Shitzu sad, putting down
1 End of life, Do you qualify for Medically Assisted Dying—
A Past Nursing student invited me to attend her MAID interview.
1 sudden, unexpected passing of my beloved mom. She lived alone, miles away.

7 encounters with death = my family worried. It was dark,
4am. Went for a walk.
Did not take cell phone and left, no note.

3 hours later I returned
6 eyes look up.
Solemn.
My Husband, brother and sister in law
Solemn
Apparently feared my suicide.
I have no energy.
It is raining, cold and wet.
Bone chilling both inside and out.
I am in pain. Before her death mom had fallen. In the hospital she was given meds.

Narcotics.

Ones I so desperately wanted. Mom only hurt when moved. 1 nurse, overextended, ran in. Placed
the narcotic in my hand. To administer to mom.

Left me alone with the desired. Relieve my suffering, Pill
Mom was OK. I was not, A drug addict in pain.
Mom got the narcotic.

Too tired to write more
Might try later

Maybe.

To explain how I did not
swallow that so desperately needed by me
pill

Submitted by Helena Paivenen